How to feel worthy when society thinks you are despicable

I’m really fighting with this one. I get discriminated against and it seams to happened about once a week. Maybe part of that is perception and how I internalize things (and I definitely do, do that). I know the saying “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I get it. I understand that no one can make me angry, ashamed or sad unless I give them the power to. After all, I should be in control of my own emotions right?

But what if past relationship(s) have ended because they just can’t handle the elephant in the room called a previous sex offense. What if a previous sales job(s) was lost because of something I just can’t change? What if a piano teacher doesn’t want to teach you because he knows nothing about my history and doesn’t want a convicted sex offender in his rented home? Or maybe some one gets to know you at a local expo, flirts with you, and realizes that you are a convicted sex offender and simply doesn’t call you back? It’s not easy to NOT internalize and to think you know what I am deserving of good things in my life.

How does one convince one’s self? Me, I like to self sabotage and prove to myself that I’m not a good person. See… look what I’ve done. I acted out with a married woman that wanted sex with me. See, I’m not deserving of a girlfriend/stable relationship. I’m not committed to recovery. I’m a bad person. I don’t deserve. Society is right about sex offenders… We are scum!

During my sexual acting out with married women, I was in my head the entire time. Thinking why am I doing this, I don’t even find this woman attractive. This isn’t right. What will my SAA group members say. What will my PO and that group say on Thursday. Can I conceal it and forget about it? Can I go back to living that double life style/lie that I used to in the past?

I can give you an answer to some of the previous questions listed in the above paragraph. Its short. No, I can not go back to leading that double life style. I’ve learned that keeping secrets is the last thing I should ever do. I may screw up… I’m human. I’m not a saint/perfect. But I’ve found out that you can’t put this genie back in the lantern! Recreational “SEX” has become horrible for me.

My self sabotage needs to stop, because I’m worth it. I deserve good things… even though you (Society) may think I am the worst person in the world.

Concerned citizen calls my boss (the business owner) to warm him that a sex offender is working at his company.

From reading some of my previous posts, you may know I’ve already lost a job by not being 100% transparent with a previous employer.  So I took a much different approach when applying for the current job I’m at. I came in and fully disclosed my past. He is far from happy about it (no one should be), but he respects me for disclosing it. I need to disclose to people like this at this stage of my life because I’m hoping to work for this man for years to come and I don’t want “bad blood” between us.

Even worse, I don’t want some random person calling up like this “concerned citizen” saying that did you know that you hired a sex offender?

Honestly, if I wasn’t so transparent about my past, I have a feeling I may have been shown the door that day. But maybe not, seeing that I’ve single handedly increased the company’s bottom line by a substantial amount. I luckily have a skill set that has been quite profitable for the owner, and I work for much less than a non convicted felon. Less than 1/3 – 1/5 in pay depending on the competition. But that is what a convicted sex offender has to do when you have a public registry for the entire world to see, scrutinize, and discriminate against. This will not stop until the public is educated, and potentially the public listing is removed.

I’m beyond thankful that I still have my job. The “concerned citizen” has no idea that the average employer would have terminated that employee.

Sex Offender Registry is the Modern Day Scarlet Letter

Maybe you have heard of the book The Scarlet Letter. It was one of the first mass-produced books in America. Its considered to be a masterpiece and one of the greatest American novels. It’s a tail about sin, guilt, and redemption. It’s currently at number 16 of the 100 best novels. The story takes place in the 17th-century town of Boston where a mistake forces her to wear a scarlet letter on her chest as a punishment.

Let’s fast forward a long time to 2015!  Where there is a MODERN DAY scarlet letter called a sex offender registry. This visible  scarlet letter isn’t secluded to a small Boston town for only locals to see embroidered on her chest. This public humiliation  is posted for the entire world to see on the “World Wide Web”. Entire countries can now discriminate against sex offenders and actually keep them out or revoke privileges to vacation there.

Humanity hasn’t progressed all that much. If anything, we have only gotten worse. And you would think that  this book being read so much by so many would actually help against discrimination. Like people would be smart enough to put A and B together and come up with the same conclusion after reading that book. Its ironic to me that people don’t.

Realtors’ treatment & discrimination toward sex offender

Discrimination by realtors
Discrimination by realtors

I was working with a local realtor. I found a house and put a bid in on it . It was rejected by the bank. During that time I also double checked with my PO that the location would be approved. I already made sure that it wasn’t close to schools or parks even though I’m not under restrictions. During this time I wasn’t passing polygraph tests. So I was told that I would not be allowed to leave their jurisdiction and move to that location. I suddenly had to back out of future deals with my realtor until I got  approval to leave. So to be fair I explained the situation to my realtor that I was a registered sex offender and we broke communication for some time.

Once I  passed  my polygraph test and received a go ahead  by the powers that be I called my realtor and asked him if he was still interested in working with me to find a home. He gave me a long spiel about how I  should have been forth-coming with my offense. Like I should wear my past mistakes on my chest like a scarlet letter!  I explained a previous realtor experience where I  received poor service and very odd treatment with chaperoned house hunting. What makes him think that I should be forth-coming with my most embarrassing moment and more importantly the biggest mistake of my entire life? Let’s hypothetically say this realtor had a previous DUI. Should he be forth-coming and tell me that before I started to look for homes with him?

In short, he is quite replaceable as a realtor. In fact, he has already been replaced.

Number of victims comparison: Methamphetamine dealer vs. Sex offender

I’m not going to compare level of crimes on this page. What I’m going to compare is the sheer number of victims, family members and other people affected by these two types of crimes.

Let’s say a low-level methamphetamine dealer sells drugs to only 100 clients in his career as a dealer (please see “a Drug Dealer” article for better figures that are much higher than this low estimate). Each direct victim the “client” of the methamphetamine dealer has 5 family members (2 parents, grand parents and a significant other and kids… I’m keeping the number low for a reason) VS. 1 direct victim of a sex offender and let’s say 10 family members (parents, grand parents, siblings… I’ve intentionally elevated this number) as victim numbers.

Let’s count the sheer number of victims between these two types of crimes. Let’s do the simple math: That is 500 victims for the methamphetamine dealer vs. 10 victims for the sex offender.

I’m not excusing the crimes of sex offenders even remotely. Either convicted methamphetamine dealers have to sign up to a meth dealer registry or the sex offender registry is discrimination. Our society can simply not have it both ways and be “just”.

Sex offender registration month(s) or face a violation and prison

This month is one of the 4 months per year that I have to go in and verify my information and register as a sex offender at a local sheriff’s office. They check for internet identifiers, temporary lodging, change in tattoos, phone number, passport, social security number, date of birth and lots more. Plus each year there is another $25 fee and the taking of an up-to-date photo that is posted on the internet for everyone world wide to see.

I always enjoy asking when a murder registration or DUI registry is going to start. I then say, “Isn’t discrimination interesting?” to the officer. He never does respond with any comment because even he knows what he is doing is discriminatory. He admits he is following the laws that are currently mandated by our judicial system.

My job is to slowly wake people up to this legalized discrimination that is called a sex offender registry! After all the recidivism rate for sex offenders is one of the lowest for all types of crimes.

Distinct disadvantage of having a unique last name on the sex offender registration

There is a distinct disadvantage of having a unique last names and being a registered sex offender. Google a name like John Smith and you’ll find results about an soldier/explorer plus lots of other results. None of them having to do with a registered sex offender. Google a unique name and suddenly the results are quite different. You’ll find them on the first page of SERP (search engine results page).

You manually have to type in “John Smith registered sex offender” to see results come up. Suddenly you are flooded with results from New York, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Florida and other states.

It’s hard enough to have this “Scarlet Letter” of a sex offense. I’m not trying to hide from my past. I think it would be a little easier to tell people about my offense than to prejudge me by googling me without getting to know who I am today.

General public’s treatment of sex offenders is discriminatory

I invite you to take part in a little social experiment. Apply for a random job, or just tell a random person that you are a registered sex offender and see what their reaction is. Society is scared of sex offenders (see off-site article). News media have led average citizens to believe that all sex offenders are mindless stalkers of children who are poised to grab your child at any moment! This can’t be further from the truth if the sex offender’s disorder has been diagnosed and s/he is in quality treatment.

Left unchecked we believe lots of mental disorders can have varying degrees of consequences on society.

Lack of mental health screening and diagnosis in our society is becoming an apparent problem.

Let’s look at a recent non-sex crime: “Two N.Y. police officers slain in apparent retribution attack by 28-year-old Ismaaiyl Abdula Brinsley“. This man Mr. Ismaaiyl Abdula Brinsley was completely unstable and even mentioned “putting wings on pigs” (killing cops) in an Instagram post. He ended up killing 3 people and shot his girlfriend in Baltimore just hours before. Then he turned his gun on himself on a nearby subway platform as cops closed in.

No Murderer Registry

Ok, so the state of Illinois has a Murderer and Violent Offender Against Youth Registry but Ismaaiyl Abdula Brinsley will not have to register now that he took his own life. The affect of this man’s actions on multiple families and victims is beyond belief.

Stop Discrimination and Start HELPING before people mentally break down.

I would much rather stop pointing the finger and blaming issues on people. I’d much rather see screenings at young ages to diagnose problems before people start shooting, raping, killing, molesting, drinking, doing methamphetamines/addictive behaviours. The list goes on! No one is perfect. Let’s start helping before we simply punish and discriminate.

Piano teacher drops pupil for being a registered sex offender

Piano keys close upI wanted to learn how to play the piano because it’s something that I’ve always wanted to learn, plus it’s a good productive outlet for me. So I signed up with a local pianist who teaches one-on-one lessons. Just a male teacher and a straight male adult student. During my first lesson I did mention that I was a convicted felon and left it at that.

A week later I was called by my piano teacher and was told that I will no longer be welcomed to learn piano at his home. He took it upon himself to not only look up my phone number, but also find out my full name and that I’m registered as a sex offender. During our phone conversation I asked him if he has ever done something that he regrets. Something that he wishes he never did or could take back. He admitted that he does… but still terminated our piano lessons together.

He went on to say that he teaches several small children. I asked him if he noticed what I did when the under-age pupil and mother came out of his home? I stayed in my car, waited until they walked over to his driveway and got into their car. I then proceeded to walk across his lawn, to his door where he was watching me. I do this as a registered sex offender all of the time for lots of reason, but mostly to make sure that NO ONE accuses me of anything. This is when he realized that I actually did this and that I was NOWHERE near his previous student and mother.

The ending was the same, I’m no longer his pupil/student.

Love Lost: Doctor believes in modern day class system

I was dating a doctor who’s name will not be mentioned. She and I were together before I was sentenced for my horrible and despicable crime/mistake that I committed. I went to prison, served my time and “paid my debt to society.” Once I was released, this minority female doctor and I rekindled our relationship and began to date again. It was a serious relationship and after time I purchased an engagement ring and popped the question of marriage.

This is when things became clear that my past was more of an issue to her then I originally realized. To have my past associated with her professional name became the elephant in the room. Long story short she admitted the issue caused our relationship to be terminated. Comments of “love doesn’t conquer all” were said by her. I come from a financially-stable family and all I can do is respect her wishes and move on. I understand that this being classified as a sex offender now is worse than just about anything else out there.