How to feel worthy when society thinks you are despicable

I’m really fighting with this one. I get discriminated against and it seams to happened about once a week. Maybe part of that is perception and how I internalize things (and I definitely do, do that). I know the saying “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I get it. I understand that no one can make me angry, ashamed or sad unless I give them the power to. After all, I should be in control of my own emotions right?

But what if past relationship(s) have ended because they just can’t handle the elephant in the room called a previous sex offense. What if a previous sales job(s) was lost because of something I just can’t change? What if a piano teacher doesn’t want to teach you because he knows nothing about my history and doesn’t want a convicted sex offender in his rented home? Or maybe some one gets to know you at a local expo, flirts with you, and realizes that you are a convicted sex offender and simply doesn’t call you back? It’s not easy to NOT internalize and to think you know what I am deserving of good things in my life.

How does one convince one’s self? Me, I like to self sabotage and prove to myself that I’m not a good person. See… look what I’ve done. I acted out with a married woman that wanted sex with me. See, I’m not deserving of a girlfriend/stable relationship. I’m not committed to recovery. I’m a bad person. I don’t deserve. Society is right about sex offenders… We are scum!

During my sexual acting out with married women, I was in my head the entire time. Thinking why am I doing this, I don’t even find this woman attractive. This isn’t right. What will my SAA group members say. What will my PO and that group say on Thursday. Can I conceal it and forget about it? Can I go back to living that double life style/lie that I used to in the past?

I can give you an answer to some of the previous questions listed in the above paragraph. Its short. No, I can not go back to leading that double life style. I’ve learned that keeping secrets is the last thing I should ever do. I may screw up… I’m human. I’m not a saint/perfect. But I’ve found out that you can’t put this genie back in the lantern! Recreational “SEX” has become horrible for me.

My self sabotage needs to stop, because I’m worth it. I deserve good things… even though you (Society) may think I am the worst person in the world.

One thought on “How to feel worthy when society thinks you are despicable”

  1. Something that may help you in this regard: I felt the same way when I first got out of incarceration, but you really are self sabotaging yourself. If you’re really a good person and people get to know you before they find out, most people will understand. Yes, I’ve lost a few friends and even had a couple of relationships fall flat due to my status. I lost a job due to my status. All of these things are unavoidable as it stands right now. There are some people that just have too many judgments on our status, but… there are plenty of people out there that don’t judge as well. There’s also a lot of people that don’t check the registry nor do they care because they know it’s bs. I dated a total of 6 women in the first two years after incarceration. I always told them about my status prior to the second date using the first date as a chance for them to get to know who I am now. Only one decided they didn’t want a second date after hearing that information. One didn’t want to move forward in our relationship due to my status but we continued dating shortly. One became my best friend after realizing we were better as friends. One went to a mental institution for threatening suicide (she had a lot of issues prior to dating me), and one I just didn’t get along with. When she threatened to go all over social media and tell everyone my status in an argument, I dumped her on the spot. The last one has been with me for about 9 months now and we’re about to buy a house together. I’m probably going to marry her, so it does get better. The right person will come along. Just remember that there are some things you can’t change, so focus on the things you can. The life of an SO is not an easy one, but it is livable. You are doing a great thing by coming out online and telling your story. The more we educate the public, the better chance we have of reforming these laws.

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