I’m really fighting with this one. I get discriminated against and it seams to happened about once a week. Maybe part of that is perception and how I internalize things (and I definitely do, do that). I know the saying “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I get it. I understand that no one can make me angry, ashamed or sad unless I give them the power to. After all, I should be in control of my own emotions right?
But what if past relationship(s) have ended because they just can’t handle the elephant in the room called a previous sex offense. What if a previous sales job(s) was lost because of something I just can’t change? What if a piano teacher doesn’t want to teach you because he knows nothing about my history and doesn’t want a convicted sex offender in his rented home? Or maybe some one gets to know you at a local expo, flirts with you, and realizes that you are a convicted sex offender and simply doesn’t call you back? It’s not easy to NOT internalize and to think you know what I am deserving of good things in my life.
How does one convince one’s self? Me, I like to self sabotage and prove to myself that I’m not a good person. See… look what I’ve done. I acted out with a married woman that wanted sex with me. See, I’m not deserving of a girlfriend/stable relationship. I’m not committed to recovery. I’m a bad person. I don’t deserve. Society is right about sex offenders… We are scum!
During my sexual acting out with married women, I was in my head the entire time. Thinking why am I doing this, I don’t even find this woman attractive. This isn’t right. What will my SAA group members say. What will my PO and that group say on Thursday. Can I conceal it and forget about it? Can I go back to living that double life style/lie that I used to in the past?
I can give you an answer to some of the previous questions listed in the above paragraph. Its short. No, I can not go back to leading that double life style. I’ve learned that keeping secrets is the last thing I should ever do. I may screw up… I’m human. I’m not a saint/perfect. But I’ve found out that you can’t put this genie back in the lantern! Recreational “SEX” has become horrible for me.
My self sabotage needs to stop, because I’m worth it. I deserve good things… even though you (Society) may think I am the worst person in the world.